At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
