Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
