So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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