her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
