just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
