i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
