I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Actions speak louder than pants.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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