ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
