Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
