I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
