Got a toothbrush?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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