i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Damn victory sex feels great
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
