vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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