So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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