I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
