he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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