I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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