I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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