I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
