I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
