I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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