She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
