Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can't turn off my feet"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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