When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
