Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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