Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
