so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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