You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
