Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
