On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
