This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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