the condom got lost in my hair
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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