Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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