When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
there is glitter all over my balls
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