I met the friendliest cop last night
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
