I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
