Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
