seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
whose ass print is on the piano?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Holy sore nipples Batman
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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