I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
