i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
