he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it's like heaven, but drunker
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
