i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I could fuck to npr.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
