I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm getting married
To pizza
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
