she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
