I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
