I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
the liver wants what the liver wants
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
