dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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