i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
