Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
