i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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