When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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