I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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