youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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