Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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