someone threw a dead crab at me
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's rum buckets o'clock
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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