i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
